So I Yacked in my Sink...

Checking out

2012-01-23T05:24:00.000-08:00

There is a fire that burns, a fire so bright you have to shield your eyes, but it is trapped.
Caged but not diminished forced to hibernate in rusting armour, the joints stuck, the movements stiff and fractured.
The fire endures its crumbling captivation, smouldering in damp, dark corners.
The fire is what it always was, everything that created it is its constant kindling, it will always burn with an intensity that can’t be smothered by restraints.
Its reason to burn, its spark, is failing.
Just staying alight is not existing.
Its embers fading from bright white to charcoal retreating into itself.
Soon it will escape.
It will be different.
But it will be free.

I love Paulie

2011-03-27T17:44:00.001-07:00

2011-03-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

A faded photograph, a forgotten moment.
Once it meant something, something to live for, he told them.
The frames were ugly, she said.
The pictures and their meaning banished.
Lost photos of a forgotten moment, dissolving in the darkness.

Wa wa waaaaaa, stupid Thursday.

2011-03-17T04:59:00.000-07:00

I have decided that Thursday is stupid and I hate it. Not all Thursdays just this Thursday, today is a really annoying day.

I am in a mega grump, I woke up with a headache and I have lost my paracetamol somewhere in the clothes explosion I call my bedroom. So I just have to deal with the pain in my brain as all my housemates have is ibuprofen and I am allergic to that shit. what a LOW.

Also I have literally no money, HSBC yet again have messed me around. According to HSBull Shit I am not allowed an overdraft, something about my credit rating, which is complete rubbish I checked it and it is fine. So they just didn't want to let me have an overdraft because they are mean. I don't actually mind not having an overdraft as that means all I have to pay back is my student loan and won't have overdraft issues to deal with after I stop being a student in May. But they way they have messed me up this time is bloody annoying, normally when I run out of money I can't take more out of my account if it is not there. On Tuesday my card got declined so I went to a cash point to check how little I had in my account, minus two hundred. HOW!?! I went straight to HSBC to ask about my account and why it was letting me take cash out when I obviously didn't have any. This had obviously been going on for a while I haven't spent two hundred in one go recently. The guy was such a douche, he was really rude and wouldn't even take me to a table to go through it with me to explain it and show me what I had done without realising. Instead he just stood talking to me like a silly little spoiled child and told me that the bank isn't there to watch my account that closely and that I can just go over my limit if I don't check it. Two of his colleagues came over just to listen, it was so humiliating, I left without any understanding of my account and why sometimes it will let me overspend and others it won't. Nearly crying in HSBC was a low.

I have never been amazing with money in all honesty so knowing that at some point I would have to tell my dad has been really bumming me out so I was planning to just wait till my next loan came in and not have to admit that once again I have messed up. But of course my father started talking to me yesterday and I ended up telling him and actually he was really nice about it. I was massively prepared for being shouted at and being told that my inability to budget is astounding but no, he was just really understanding. Snaps for mon papa.

I sent off for my police check yesterday, so I am actually sorting out my visa, I hope it all works out I will be so bummed if I can't go to Canada and will most likely spend my next loan on a trip to Canada if I can't go in October...

Alas I must return to my stupid old disso... Stupid Thursday.

Not quite Gonzo but it's a start...

2011-03-14T11:16:00.000-07:00

As of Wednesday i will be a published weekly blogger for a fashion segment on Go City Girl.com. I am MEGA JAZZED!
It is the first step to getting a writing portfolio together, after my disso I will hunt down as many free writing gigs as I can get, this is only the beginning.
But this gig is 300 odd words on a fashion item that I don't like, posted every Wednesday. Which is perfect for me as I am known to be a bit of a rant blogger...

So little time. So much work.

2011-03-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

As always when it comes to work i can't seem to motivate myself and am left feeling massively under serious pressure, of my own creation, with more work than I can comprehend and all I want to do is sleep.
looks like I won't get to sleep soundly for a good couple of weeks.

As there is so much work for me to do, and no time to do it, of course I am writing on here, and probably will more than I normally do. Is there ever going to be any logic to my actions?

I doubt it.

I miss my bed.

Dissertation Disaster

2011-02-07T03:59:00.000-08:00

I have a cold, which all in all is not so bad really, its not swine flu or anything dramatic, just a bog standard boring old cold. But my issue with this stupid cold is that it is making my head feel ten pounds heavier and my brain feel like rained on candy floss. So you cheeky little cold, can you please hurry up and exit my life as I have a dissertation to fill my time with and no time for blowing my nose through a rainforest's worth of tissues. I will just have to man up and go to boots to get everything I can get my cold infected little hands on to try and salvage this afternoon so I can function enough to do some work.

On a lighter note my Urban outfitters order has arrived and silent witness is on later...

2010-12-15T21:23:00.000-08:00

I should have chosen art...

Vacant

2010-12-12T09:54:00.000-08:00

Watching with hollow eyes and empty soul she sits, slowly following the movements of his body. The shell is all that remains, circumstances have taken her from herself; the only atrocity is that she let it happen. She lost herself, by not deeming herself worthy. Now she sees no worth in anything. Fractured and fragmented the pieces that remain lay under his feet with every step crushing them to dust. There are no more words. Only the emptiness of dreamless sleep.

Casual Nudity

2010-11-27T15:30:00.000-08:00

Untitled

2010-11-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

I hide in a world you create for me my love, caged by your silhouette, drifting in hollow darkness. Following silently, my fingertips cling to your heels, caressing the soles of your shoes. The light keeps me from holding you, the light keeps you from noticing me and the light makes you forget me. The minutes marked by your footsteps, this aviary stretching and compacting, the setting of the sun dissolving my prison, releasing me to you. Touching your face, so still, so calm, I hope each night you will breathe me in, releasing me from my shadowy captivation, carrying me with you always, no longer struggling to keep my grasp, residing in you.

No one likes a ski bore...

2010-04-16T09:59:00.000-07:00

I miss it already...

Break

2010-03-29T16:53:00.001-07:00

I am so happy it is nearly the Easter break, I am exhausted and have tonsillitis for the second time in three weeks, my immune system is shot to hell and my eating habits are beyond terrible. I am in this perpetual state of being half asleep, which to be honest I love, sleeping is incredible but not so good when you have loads of work to do.

I am going to Canada on Monday! I am beyond excited to go, it will be really lovely to get away with the family, it should be amazing. Also the hotel we stay at there have the most glorious beds in all of the world, I can't wait to get my sleep on there, that's for sure! Tonight I shall dream dreams of the amazing sleeping to be done next week. It will be nice to get away from oxford again it is all getting a little too much for me...

Lectures

2010-03-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday afternoon I went to my favourite lecture of the week, I love the way my lecture talks about history, and one thing that he talked about this week has been floating in and out of my mind. The topic of discussion was how great thinkers, of literature, art, politics and any and everything else dealt with and are still dealing with the nomic crisis of modernity.
The mention of Kafka has stuck with me, "Everyday normality is itself a miracle. Possibly I illuminate things a bit, like a stage light on a half-darkened stage. On second thought, I don't ... the stage is not darkened at all. It is flooded with daylight. That's why people close their eyes and see so little." I think it is beautiful, to me seems more hopeful than most statements regarding understanding, I don't want to be left in the dark and I hate that expression but I don't mind so much the idea of shielding ones eyes from so much light and knowledge. I am not saying that I enjoy knowing so little about, anything really, I would hate to be arrogant enough to think or write that I know more than I do but I want to see the stage lit up that brightly, I want to see it all.

Scared

2010-03-22T02:56:00.000-07:00

I am so scared about my work, especially my dissertation, I was under the idea that we had to approach a supervisor with a clear idea of what we wanted to do so when I haven't been working on some essay I have been trying to think and I don't know, so now I need to find a supervisor by the end of the week and all the ones I need have been taken by people who emailed saying I don't know what I want to do yet but I want you what kind of a system is that?

I wish I had done an English degree literature interests me so much more I want to go into a career in writing. I feel like these ever so short three years are a waste of time. I am completely lost. I feel like Brooke's was not the right choice.

Stop whining and get a bloody supervisor Fleur.

Snow Day Sickness

2010-02-08T06:07:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling a thousand shades of awful the past few days and today I can barely move from my bed. It is so typical that when you are sick you want to do everything and anything that you can think of, but when you are feeling well you don't mind wasting the day away in bed, it is always the way. To be perfectly honest it is taking more energy than I can afford just to get out of bed long enough to change the DVD over, and the pathetic thing is that it takes about three steps to get there.

I am very begrudgingly staying in bed, I am lonely and bored. I think the real issue of being ill, is being single and ill, especially when you can no longer realistically make your mother take the day off work to make you soup with stars in and rent all the new releases for you. So now I am sat at my house in uni watching nothing on the TV and smoking so many cigarettes it would seem it was about to go out of fashion. I have been telling my friends to hold the judgment on that one, if I have to be sat by myself in my room feeling like some cartoon character has just dropped an acme anvil on my head, smoking is the only joy I have right now. The only thing more pathetic thinking that, is reading it in black and white, I just want someone to look after me.

That is it, I am going to sleep.

Lingering...

2010-02-05T05:20:00.000-08:00

It is strange that when you are in a relationship opening up the ex files is one of the milestones that you hope you never have to get to. All the questions, how many men have you been with? When was the last big relationship? Why did you break up? All of these questions I hate to answer at any point, single or otherwise.

So why am I talking about this now? I think it is normal to be self-reflective when something ends. I dare say it never really started it was this toxic state of limbo, and I think the only feeling I have now, that I know it could never happen, is relief. I know how I felt for him, I am not trying to take anything back but it is a relief none the less.

This week has had me stuck in some perpetual world of being haunted by the ghosts of ex-capades past, running into them on the street, at uni, in shops even one that is on the other side of the world is talking to me more than I think we ever talked in person. It is one of those times when you really don't want to think about any of it but it finds a way to make you.

The most interesting one of these ghosts is the one person who has come close to breaking me, I think in a way I am still putting myself back together after him. I am still not sure if I will ever just be able to be his friend, we have never been friends always something else, something confusing and intriguing. the two words that we recently used to describe each other. I don't think it is completely healthy that I let myself spend almost five hours talking to him yesterday, but I do miss talking to him, he makes me laugh, and after the week I have had I will take what laughs I can get.

I never will understand him though I think he likes it that way, in a way though it is nice to talk to him, and for the moment he is far enough away for me to know that I won't get sucked back in. He told me I was always interesting, I told him maybe I am too interesting and that I just interest people right out of the door. Well he found that very funny, I told him I would be laughing too, if it wasn't my life. In regards to him I don't want a do over but nor do I want to walk away completely, not yet anyway. In some strange way, which I am sure a therapist would tell me is insane, it is comforting, my ghost of ex-heartbreak's past lingering, keeping me company from far away. Do you know, I don't think he wants to let go either.

Empty

2010-02-04T06:13:00.001-08:00

I have to move on, I have heard all I needed to hear, I didn't react how I thought I would the only thing I feel now is emptiness.

I just want to forget this whole thing, I am exhausted from all the events of this past year but at least I finally have "closure", a word that the people closest to me keep saying, I am not ok, but I will be.

On a positive note, I think I have filled my quota of tears on this subject, I can't cry, I don't feel a thing, I am empty.

Jury is Out

2010-02-02T05:27:00.001-08:00

I don't know what I am waiting for, but I am waiting all the same. It took a lot to do what I did, I don't regret it.

People don't get what they deserve but if it is there, if it is real, why put yourself through purgatory?

My sentiment remains the same and I wish I could say there is a time limit for how long I am going to feel like this, I wish I could say there is a cut off point but it has been a year it is not going to change any time soon.

I don't know how to act, I am just going to wait, I know I am not going to get what I want, but I am not ready to give up just yet.

Morning Musings...

2010-01-15T02:09:00.000-08:00

1. Can the asos man please hurry up, I need to go buy a new pack of camel lights before I go with my dad to go get my new bicycle.
2. I do really need the asos man to come because I am going to go pick up my new bicycle, at like 11.30, which is amazing, and really pretty, pictures soon to follow.
3. I need to learn how to ride the new bicycle so I can get around Oxford.
4. Should I go to Oxford tonight?

The asos man just came so that's good and just have to wait for my papa to go get my new bike and pick up my poor little broken laptop which will be fixed! YAY

Also I don't think I am going to go to Oxford tonight, I do want to go and I will be letting Marina down but my family think I am mad if I go, I don't know maybe I am but I am sick of being the only one who still feels bad, I don't know.

I am not going, I have no money anyway...

Just kill me it is January again...

2010-01-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

January is such a drag, its cold, my bank account is empty and seeing all these new year resolution driven adverts on the television makes me want to throw something at it.

The snow is really pretty though but like the rest of England I am over it and it is only aiding my boredom and loneliness becuase I can't get anywhere, I just want to go back to uni now, the holiday is way too long I get like this every year.

All I can say is roll on February so I can get out of this January shaped funk, grumpy is not a good colour on me.

Attic

2010-01-06T14:26:00.000-08:00

They are erasing all memory of me living in that house, boxing up my things to lay forgotten in the attic, dismantling the furniture that made that room mine. It is going to be a guest room again, with a thick coat of magnolia paint to cover the colours I painted on the walls, to make it feel like home. It is not my home anymore, in a way it never was, just a place that I stayed at once, like a room in a hotel that I can’t remember the name of.

Years have passed since it was really my bedroom, they made sure to make it known my presence was not welcome there, I was never allowed to keep anything or put anything in any of the communal rooms, the photos of me, put away in cupboards collecting dust, as the memory of a time when I mattered fades. This is the final push to make sure that I know I am just a bystander privileged to look in from outside the window at how happy their family is, but I am not invited in.

I thought things were getting better, I suppose in a way they are, I had given up of ever really feeling like I belonged there but then recently it seemed as though the fights and upset didn’t matter anymore and I let myself care again, at least I let myself care again. That is the problem; it has always been at an arm’s length a feeling that is tangible but never part of my reality. By dismantling my room they have dismantled me, left in the attic, forgotten.

Escape

2009-12-26T12:29:00.000-08:00

I know what I want to do, I want to go and stay in the cottage, there isn't much furniture there after Barbara stopped living there, she rented it from us but she passed away last year. Now the cottage is empty, I want to be there, I want to take some time for myself in that small cottage that is old but not silent, it groans and creaks as all old buildings do, exhausted by the burden of existing for so long. I think it would be nice to roam around the fields and sit on the rocks on the cliffs, listening to the sea, watching the water change from grey to black as the night takes hold, seeing the twinkling lights of the harbour reflecting in the bay.

I can't go, I would have to explain to my family that I want to be alone for a while, I don't think they would understand. It is really nice being home and spending time with my family but I feel displaced by them, I am used to being by myself and doing what I want to do when I am in Oxford, I feel exhausted by their constant interest in what I am doing. I don't want to complain, I love them all but I am not used to being here all the time anymore its been nearly three years since I was completely comfortable here. I think I am displacing myself, they involve me in everything but I feel on my own, my mother and sister have their boyfriend's here a lot of the time and I feel like I am drifting between the two pairs. They think I am ridiculous when I say that but that is how I feel nevertheless.

I like being by myself though I just can't seem to be able to do it without some sort of judgement from the people around me. they want me to go to London with them all tomorrow but I think if I have a day to myself maybe I will feel better, and then maybe all the dreams of ex romances past will stop.

HOLE

2009-11-24T15:29:00.000-08:00

This house is going to the dogs...

Do I Need to Explain?

2009-11-23T15:45:00.000-08:00